Read the article below and had to share! I was having a conversation with a friend the other day around the 'meaning' of the word marriage and what it means at different ages or developmental phases. I guess for some the word is overrated and for some it is paramount to their growth as a human being almost equivalent to their existence (I personally find that its both age, and cultural values driven). Since some of my friends are recently getting married and I find that marriage is considered such an integral part of our social development just wanted to learn your thoughts on what it means for YOU! Do you relate to the article below if you are married or have been married? What part of the article do you find intriguing and why? What has worked well for you and if you disagree what do you suggest is essential to the Ohh la la experience. Why is it that some couples after being married for gazillion (anything after 12 years these days) act as if they are still in stage 1, where as some relationships get complaisant? Did the meaning and idea of the word "marriage" change for the better or worse for you, as you are going through that process and transition? Do you continue to 'evaluate & asses' your relationship as you go through the process and make necessary changes to keep it spiced up or is that something you were "expected to do at your age" and thus find it a chore? Feel free to stay anonymous and comment!
Marriage partially means growing up!!!
Learn the phases every relationship takes—and how to get through them
By Denise Schipani Posted July 16, 2010 from WomansDay.com
All marital unions are not created equal—but that said, they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and the way a couple manages the phase they’re in varies widely, but most of
the stages happen, to most of us. Understanding the stages, says Rita DeMaria, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The 7 Stages of Marriage, gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact. Here’s what you need to know:
All marital unions are not created equal—but that said, they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and the way a couple manages the phase they’re in varies widely, but most of
the stages happen, to most of us. Understanding the stages, says Rita DeMaria, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The 7 Stages of Marriage, gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact. Here’s what you need to know:
Stage 1: Honeymoon Heaven
Usually the first year or two (or three, depending on the arrival of children as well as whether you lived together beforehand) is a passion-fueled period that’s all about the two of you and your intense focus on the attraction that made you want to walk down the aisle to begin with.
Your Challenge: As much as this stage is full of lovely things like lust, affection and late-night romps, you’d be wise to also use this time to cement your sense of coupledom outside the bedroom. Who are you, as a couple? For example, do you want to focus on your careers exclusively for a few years, or would you prefer to spend time traveling or taking classes? Will one or both of you want to get an advanced degree? Also spend time figuring out how you envision the rest of your marriage—such as whether and when to have children, or whether you see yourselves living in a city or the suburbs.
This encompasses what Dr. DeMaria calls the realization stage, during which you learn things you might not have known (or happily ignored) about your spouse’s strengths, weaknesses and personal habits. Also in this post-honeymoon, pre-children stage, power struggles can arise as the two of you work toward both separate and shared goals. “This is the time to learn teamwork,” says Dr. DeMaria.
Your Challenge: As the shine fades a bit and reality sets in, you need to safely navigate what can be the first divorce danger zone of a young marriage, says Beverly Hyman, PhD, coauthor of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “After a couple of years, too many couples find that their values and goals aren’t always on the same page.” For example, if one of you wants children, or expects to spend every Sunday with his or her parents, and the other disagrees, you need to reach a compromise. Though you should have done this before you wed, if you haven’t, it’s not too late to discuss hot-button subjects like children, money, how often you’ll see your families, religion, etc. If you find you can’t see eye-to-eye, it may be time to seek counseling, says Dr. Hyman.
Welcome to the “meat” of marriage—the years most couples spend raising their families, buying a home, building and/or changing careers and all-around trying to hold a busy, crazy modern life together. “This can be another danger time,” says Dr. Hyman. “You may have a couple of kids, a mortgage to pay, possibly two demanding jobs—this puts enormous strain on the resources of a marriage.” Too many couples start to wonder: Is this all there is to life? And some of them answer that question by starting an affair or asking for a divorce.
Your Challenge: Not losing sight of your couple-ness in the swirl of all the other demands on your time and energy. “Pay close attention to your marriage,” advises Dr. Hyman. Don’t assume your relationship will be OK if one or both of you is on autopilot. “One thing that’s essential to building an enduring marriage is open, honest and tender communication,” she adds. Give yourselves a chance to communicate by—if you have to—scheduling together time, planning a regular date night or agreeing to turn off the TV after the kids go to bed so you can discuss important issues (or have sex!).
Some call this stage the “empty nest,” but that implies that your home is devoid of love (i.e. empty) after your children grow up and leave. Hopefully, it’s not that way (though it can be). In the best scenario, this stage is about reunion, says Dr. DeMaria. “You are getting to know each other all over again, unpacking old baggage and having fun.”
Your Challenge: Assuming you’ve weathered the earlier storms of marriage, this time can be exhilarating. “You have the luxury of time,” says Dr. Hyman, “so you can have new adventures, learn things together and take pride in your accomplishments, such as your history together and your children’s successes.” But many couples find it a struggle to be together again with nothing else to concentrate on. Spend some time figuring out things you can do together (such as a vacation or new activity, like tennis or a couples’ book club) and apart (such as a
You’ve enjoyed the lust, lived the love and come through the chaos of family life—without splitting up in the face of troubles. You’ve reached what Dr. DeMaria calls “completion,” a stage that retired, empty-nest couples who still enjoy being together can bask in for the rest of their lives.
Your Challenge: Continue to show each other affection and attention. Remember, says Dr. Hyman, if you’ve remained a loving, harmonious couple, you won’t have an empty nest for long. Children and grandchildren gravitate back to the happy home they remember.
This is less of a discrete stage than the others, says Dr. DeMaria, because it can happen at any time in a marriage. It’s when major life stressors interrupt the forward motion of your life together—such as fertility issues, a death in the family, a major illness or the loss of a job that leads to serious economic upheaval.
Your Challenge: Seek support, both separately and together, depending on the situation. Never feel you have to power through problems on your own, or your marriage may suffer. Seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, religious counselors or professional therapists. “Pay attention to your own physical and emotional health and well-being,” says Dr. DeMaria. Knowing when it’s time to divorce can be tricky, especially if you feel that the two of you have come to an impasse in terms of what you want from the marriage. Dr. Hyman suggests that you take great care, asking yourselves serious questions, such as: Have you been more unhappy than happy in your marriage? Is that unhappiness affecting your physical and mental health? What are your fears about possibly separating? Have you exhausted every remedy to save your marriage? Only you two can answer these hard questions.
As a practicing mental health therapist and a recipient of good therapy myself, I do want to take this opportunity to raise your awareness that psychologist and therapists "DO NOT" I repeat "DO NOT" TELL YOU WHAT TO DO in terms of resolving your crisis! Its often misconstrued by people that if I am having marital issues or problems and if I seek HELP they will tell me or advise me to stay with him or get DIVORCED!!!! Not the case, they are there to "help/guide/assist you through the process" of making a conclusion for yourself that's best for you. They help raise your self awareness to make a decision for YOURSELF when you are stuck in a mental fog without any clarity or hopes of brighter future ahead when you feel that you have lost all the glimmer of being able to see the future ahead of you.
I cannot speak for all the therapists and psychologist out there but at least the ones that are trained properly don't. And therapeutic relationship just like any is between two people, if your therapist is not working for you the chances are you are going to walk away disgusted with the whole experience. In that case call me, I might be able to help you find one! It's important to shop around and get a feel for your psychologist or therapist before you dive into deep waters. They are open to that as well as encourage it, it is a part of their training. That was your free 101 course for dealing with immediate relationship crisis.
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