I use the word relationship and marriage interchangeably here because I don't think everyone believes in the institution of marriage. I also believe that every successful relationship is based on a sound friendship/companionship between two people first, before it takes on the added pressure and responsibilities that come with the term 'Marriage'!
Here is our most important research finding concerning sex.
Psychology Today: Published on December 25, 2009
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and addicting, something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over. Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life! I believe that sex is not a key ingredient to make a relationship successful or healthy but it definitely is a secret ingredient to set your relationship recipe aside!
And more importantly, when we ask successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was only 6! This finding has held true over the nearly 27 years of our research. The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.
You see, marriage is a multi-faceted and highly complex relationship, and in the best marriages no one aspect stands out as the make or break part of it. The truth is, and as we report in our new book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what, sex is not one of them! Sex is only part of one of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.
As you know from our many published writings, we believe that the overemphasis on sex in books about love and marriage cause people to believe that if they don’t have stupendous sex everyday there is something wrong with their marriage. Trust us on this – marriages that fail do so for a variety of reasons and not for a single reason. Simply put, no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life or lack there of!
I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising
The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”
Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?
Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.
Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?
Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. I cannot emphasize enough how important this can be how communication or lack there of can lead to living an unhealthy unfulfilling relationship. 
Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?
In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.
Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.
What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?
I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.
I have had an opportunity to have several conversations with number of people from all walks of life over the years on the their introspect about their sexual experiences, and I must say they generally make for a fascinating conversation. Some of the interesting ones have been "men think about sex or related activity every 10 seconds", "women think of sex as a chore", "we don't talk about sex as women", some women identify themselves as "prudes" while others as "angel by the day and freak under the sheets at night" (every guys fantasy) and many more!
Part of my profession calls for teaching Sexuality and related issues to individuals that I work with so to me talking about sex is as normal or exciting as talking about a pair of hot stilettos. But I still am in the process of wrapping my head around why people find the word 'sex' to be so charged. People do it, it can be a sensational experience if done right for the purposes of procreation or exercise however you choose to define its purpose so why not continue to keeping it spicy and engage in a dialogue. Which led to writing this post and since one of the purposes of this blog is 'keepin' it spicy' for a lifetime I had to research on the topic to see what people thought about the importance of sex in making a relationship successful, lasting and endearing irrespective of what stage of relationship they were in.
Psychology Today: Published on December 25, 2009
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and addicting, something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over. Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life! I believe that sex is not a key ingredient to make a relationship successful or healthy but it definitely is a secret ingredient to set your relationship recipe aside!
And more importantly, when we ask successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was only 6! This finding has held true over the nearly 27 years of our research. The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.
You see, marriage is a multi-faceted and highly complex relationship, and in the best marriages no one aspect stands out as the make or break part of it. The truth is, and as we report in our new book Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. And guess what, sex is not one of them! Sex is only part of one of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.
As you know from our many published writings, we believe that the overemphasis on sex in books about love and marriage cause people to believe that if they don’t have stupendous sex everyday there is something wrong with their marriage. Trust us on this – marriages that fail do so for a variety of reasons and not for a single reason. Simply put, no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life or lack there of!
While I think the above article is an interesting perspective I do believe that it is very much a needed experience to keepin the relationship spicy and alive. Because I often find that if not revisited often especially after couples have children then it leads to complacency which can be quite boring. Since the focus of this blog is to living relationships that are successful, healthy and alive there is no room for stagnancy. I believe for any venture to be successful, hard work, dedication and focus are necessary so since sex is not just a physical act its also an emotional, spiritual experience the same rules apply to keepin' it spicy for a lifetime! Simply put pay attention to your partners needs..
Below is another perspective on why sex is so important for a relationship to be successful. I read this article and gather from it that it is not the key factor that drives a relationship but it is a gauge to examining the 'status' of your relationship. If sex has left your relationship either there is a huge emotional gap developing or your relationship is headed for a disaster. So I would take this as a guide to "WHAT NOT TO DO" or "WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY" if you relate to the topic, to not become a statistic.
When Sex Leave the Marriage
Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.
I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Is your relationship still filled with sparks? (Lauren Fleischman for The New York Times)Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.
I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation
.
Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?
Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more? I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.
Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?
Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.” Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.
Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives? Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. I cannot emphasize enough how important this can be how communication or lack there of can lead to living an unhealthy unfulfilling relationship. There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.
Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced? In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.
What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages? I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.My hope from this post is that if you are cognizant of your relationship and care to put enough work to spicin' it up then hope these views have slightly increased your awareness so you can continue heading in the right direction or changes your views so you can continue heading in the direction thats best for your relationship. So hope you continue to keepin' it spicy and enjoy!
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