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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Cheating: What comes first - emotional withdrawal or sex?


Since the focus of this blog is on successful and healthy unions I tend to like to research on or write about issues that I commonly see in long term relationships or marriages that at times are inescapable.  I am particularly interested in writing about them because I believe that every relationship goes through a storm, some wither, some reach a plateau which is most relationships and some overcome these adversities and reaches a next level of intimacy with added efforts. 

 

Why Do People Cheat?

September 16th, 2008 · Health Assist.net

"The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them – sometimes three"
Alexandre Dumas
Most people list being faithful as one of the top essentials in a successful relationship. But the fact is, people cheat. It is estimated that about 44-76% of men and 21-50% of women are cheating their “significant other”.
Probably everyone knows that cheating is wrong. Anytime someone has an affair there’s a danger that it will ruin their marriage or relationship. Even long and happy marriages or relationships. But this doesn’t stop the majority of people.
So why people do this? Why people are willing to conduct themselves in the ways that could be very damaging to them and to their partners?
1 Problems in relationship. Marital or relationship unhappiness
One of the first reasons people stray is that they are not satisfied with the state of their current relationship and are no longer happy at home. This may be caused by:
  • being in miserable relationships that you can’t get out of
  • financial problems
  • lack of commitment to the marriage
  • dramatic change in priorities
  • gap in social network
Unhappiness is the root cause of almost all divorces and split ups, let alone affairs. Without joy in a relationship, she or he would look for alternatives to keep themselves happy and they would not stop till they find another one that can make them feel happy, even if it means sleeping with them.
2 Lack of intimacy & Poor communication
This is the primary motivating factor for cheating women.
If the relationship is lacking important things such as emotional intimacy and communication she or he could seek it elsewhere.
3 Sexual dissatisfaction
Several surveys have shown that men and women often complain of the difference in their sex drive and in the sex drive of their partner. If one partner withholds sex, or shows little interest, the other partner may fill that need outside of the relationship.
For most men, sex is the primary motivating factor for cheating on their significant other. Some will cheat if they are not getting enough sex in their relationship. Other men may cheat because they don’t want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin their “good girl” image, so they get a mistress to take care of it.
4 Craving for novelty, variety or something different
This is mostly about men.
Cheaters don’t do it because there’s something missing. They do it because they want to. It’s new, different and exciting. For such men the variety is the enjoyment, like driving a new luxury car after years of riding an old family van. No matter how wonderful their girlfriend or wife is, they will not stop pursuing new interactions with women and new sexual experiences. Nothing will replace the excitement of novelty for those men, and it would be pointless to try to change such a guy.
5 Looking for adventure
Some people are thrill seekers that just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact of doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.
6 Boredom and dead-level
Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Once the marriage becomes comfortable some people suffer from calm and paced family life. Love-affair hearten, inspire and amuse them.
7 Revenge or payback
Sometimes people cheat because they want revenge on a partner who cheated.
8 Parents’ life style
There is a tendency to recurrence of “family tradition” in behavior of the matured children. If the child saw infidelity of parents, he or she can draw a conclusion, that cheating is quite normal. If both parents were cheating the likelihood their son or daughter will also be unfaithful to spouse comes up to 80%.
9 “Ego boost”: self-affirmation or self-expression
Sometimes people have their own inadequate self ego and there is a need to fulfill that ego with another person outside of the relationship.
Sometimes men don't feel like they are attractive to the opposite sex any more and when a woman shows some interest, not only does a man react, he may allow her to stroke his ego and more.
For some women sex can be an instant pick-me-up; a self-esteem booster that makes them feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved.
10 Long separation and loneliness
There’s the old truth: "What eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t feel". Long separation can become a contributing factor in extramarital affairs. If one half of the couple is alone a great deal of the time he or she may seek comfort elsewhere. There are some spouses that are workaholics and their families may see them less than the office does.
11 Mid-life crisis
People of both sexes may feel the need to be attractive to members of the opposite sex after reaching a certain age. They often desire the attention of a younger person of the opposite sex since it helps to make them feel that they are still attractive and desirable. This desire to appear youthful and sexy can often lead to infidelity.
12 The end of "love story"
Love often seems to have an expiration date. After many years of living together, partners can grow tired of each other.
Most probably, you can name some more reasons why people cheat. But one thing is certain – once that delicate line has been crossed trust is difficult to be regained. 

I believe knowledge is power, if you are aware of these above possibilities you can save your relationship from them by making an effort to creating a healthy meaningful union. Here are few ideas on how to keep it spicy as a couple to avoid any of the above:

Improvised list of ideas by (Dr. Berman)
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