For MEN: 6 Keys to A Great First Date!

I read the article below and could not concur enough, so felt compelled to share! I am going to take a big liberty here and make a generalization and say that we all know most of the time people don't really meet people at a "club". Most of the time women know that the guys they meet at the club have only UNO agenda in mind!!!! But at times there are connections that lead to digit exchanges that sometimes end up in meaningful, fruitful relationships if a guy plays it right. I say guy because in this patriarchal society, as strong and independent a woman is usually she expects a guy to initiate any sort of interaction, at least in the beginning in an effort to not seem too 'forward' or 'easy'. Apologies for the honesty but it seems to be a reality.  I am sure critics disagree with me on this, but this is usually the case. I believe that for a sound meaningful relationship to happen, it starts with a good first few dates. 

So for guys who are not looking to waste their time, here are tips on how you can definitively score a second chance, and for the ones who have been in the running for quite some time and are top of their game here is an insight into a woman's mind!!!

For men: A guide for getting a "yes" to a second date for people who are seriously "looking"!

by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

In the decades we’ve been involved in dispensing dating advice, we've seen a number of marriage-minded men who – though well-developed in intellect, character, scholarship and other interests – display a degree of under-developed social skills (can't reiterate enough). Often when a woman has a first date with such a man, this leaves her disappointed and uninterested in a second date.

True, if they were to get to know each other, they might develop a connection.  Unfortunately, these dates seldom get anywhere because the woman feels she can't admire or respect a man who "just doesn't seem to have his act together."

Here are six concrete suggestions for how to improve the situation.

(1) The Phone Call

The initial phone call to set up the date is where a man makes his first impression. A woman usually prefers that a man keeps the first call to 5 or 10 minutes, and waits until they're actually on the date to find out more about her. Your main goal here is to set up the time and place. (This in the women world translates into, he takes charge and it suggests power subtly, he is in the drivers seat. As independent and strong a woman might be she likes it when he plans ahead and surprises her. When he initiates and does the work in the beginning it's like a breath of fresh air to them. Women are used to planning and are able to coordinate well generally, but they want to see if the guy she plans to give her time to is able to do that equally well. Women are turned on by guys who exude confidence and power without trying too hard. Although there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, later more likely appreciated).

Give her an idea of what you'll be doing on the date. Museum or restaurant? Will you mostly be walking or sitting? If you're thinking of coffee or dessert, let her know so she can eat dinner first. If you'll be taking her to dinner, she'll want to dress appropriately. There's nothing worse than getting dressed up in a beautiful outfit and high heels and finding out your date has planned a hike and a picnic.

(2) Dress for Success

Before a date, a woman will try to look nice for a man – styling her hair, choosing a pretty outfit, and putting on make-up. But she will feel foolish and embarrassed to have made an effort for a man who has holes in his pants, torn shores, a filthy raincoat, or a shirt and vest that looked like they belong on her grandfather. (For some women this is one of the characteristic on most women's check off list which might be a make or break a deal for some. Guys who know how to dress well, in the women world translates into they will look swell in pictures. To guys it might seem quite an irrational logic, but if you looking for a second date stay tuned).

A woman doesn't need her date to wear designer labels or expensive fabrics. She just wants a man who takes pride in his appearance and knows how to clean, repair and choose his wardrobe. (She'll notice that scotch tape isn't doing a very good job of holding his torn pants hem in place.)

An instant turn-off for women is poor grooming.

Another instant turn-off for women is poor grooming. After a long day at work, a man may need to shower, reapply deodorant, and shave before meeting a date, (most guys know this but some seem to be quite challenged). Most women are not attracted to a few days' worth of stubble, and are definitely put off by that "manly" scent. They are attracted to a man with a good haircut, and whose clothes are clean and in good repair (and smells amazing – so important!).

Of course, many men will ultimately benefit from their wives' fashion and grooming help after marriage. But they're not getting anywhere near the second date if she meets him and immediately thinks, "Oh, no, a Project."

One suggestion is for the man to ask a woman his age how to dress. Most men can find a sister, cousin, or friend's wife who seems to have fashion sense, and ask for her help in selecting a dating wardrobe that's current, well-matched and fits well. Invariably, when a man looks at himself in the mirror, wearing his new clothes, he will feel a lot better about himself. That feeling helps him be more confident on dates, and win the heart of a woman.

(3) Be Prepared

Be on time. Plan for an extra 20-30 minutes of contingency time – for traffic, bathroom break, emergency call from the office, etc. If you're running late, call (or text) your date as soon as you realize you won't be on time, not five minutes before you're scheduled to show up. And certainly not a half hour after your meeting time.

Plan where you're going on the date and how you're going to get there. Have a back-up plan in case something unexpected happens, like the restaurant having a fire the night before. If you'd like to let your date choose, rather than ask, "Where do you want to go?", ask her which of two places she'd prefer. She'll be impressed with the forethought you gave to the evening. (Again this in the women world, reiterates taking charge and planning ahead, spontaneity has its moments just not welcome on the first dates in most cases in most women's world).

Also, make sure you have your wallet, credit cards and cash. It’s not cool to make her wait while you stop at an ATM for enough money to pay for your evening together. And if you're picking her up and plan to take a taxi to your destination, she'll be impressed if you've arranged to have the driver wait outside rather than asking her roommate or her parents to call you a taxi. (This in the women world translates into the guy is thoughtful, creative, and is able to go above and beyond because trust me most guys are NOT doing that so this automatically moves you up the line).

(4) Refreshments Served

No matter what your activity, offer your date some sort of refreshment. If you meet after work for drinks or coffee, and you feel like continuing to talk past the 2-hour mark, do it over dinner. You may not feel hungry after a long day at work, but she probably is, and keeping her out later without offering dinner is inconsiderate. The neighborhood pizzeria may not be the right place for a first date.

Pick an appropriate establishment. You may love your neighborhood pizzeria, but if the place isn't clean and tastefully furnished, it's not a good place for a first or second date. It doesn't matter if she's the 50th girl you've dated – the woman you're with wants to feel that you think of her as someone special, and that you care enough to choose an attractive, comfortable place to spend time together. If you gave the venue of your date a lot of forethought and she compliments the ambiance, don't explain, "Yes, it’s nice. I take all my first dates here."

When the bill comes for your drinks/coffee/meal, reach for it immediately and pay it. If you leave it there, your date will feel uncomfortable as she starts to wonder if you expect her to go Dutch or to pick up the tab. (Again women who are strong and independent are able and used to taking care of themselves, but in most cases men like to feel like a "man" in the relationship and the woman wants to see that he ‘got’ this for the most part. This cannot be generalized because people tend to have different financial values but generally this translates into I would like to be taken care of equivalently meaning he can match my current financial standards or is better if we end up in a relationship. Women like stability and looks for a guy who matches her socioeconomic values or is better. Again this does not mean that they are gold diggers and are looking for your money but it means that they are looking for someone who is at least driven and ambitious to support ‘them’ as an entity later). If you wait too long and she offers to pay, immediately say, "No thanks, I've got this." If dinner is beyond your budget, then make it coffee. But pay without hesitation.

(5) The Right Location

Frankly, we think that dinner in a restaurant is not one of the best settings for a blind date. The reasons are practical as well as economical. A blind date should be treated as an opportunity to learn about the other person, to decide if there is enough between you to get to a second date. Trying not to talk with your mouth full, and praying that you don't spill something or get lettuce stuck between your teeth, is not the most conducive atmosphere for conversation. It is also unfair to expect a man to spend a large amount of money on dinner when a blind date may not lead to a second date.

Consider instead going to a place with some visual or auditory atmosphere, like a botanical garden, hotel lounge, art gallery, promenade or other pleasant place to walk, or even an informal, open-air concert. This presents an opportunity to talk, and something to look at and even refer to during those awkward silences. These activities fill about three hours, which is a good time frame for a first date.

(6) Conversation

The goal of this first date is not to overwhelm her with your business prowess, your analysis of the NBA playoffs, or regale her with your escapades in extreme adventuring. A good guideline for conversation is exchanging basic information about yourself and your date – your background, favorite music, where you lived in the past, places you've traveled, hobbies, favorite friends and relatives, studies or career, friends you have in common. This gives you a basis for more in-depth discussion. Anticipate these topics and think ahead of how you will answer. (Women are turned on by guys who are witty meaning they are able to keep up with her, funny and can make them laugh, and most importantly intellect – not your GPA scores in grad school but how well versed you are as an individual and how well are you able to express and present the information that makes you ‘you’. Women are more analytical than men generally are, and are looking for a men who are smarter and able to teach them about something that they might not be aware of before. It is not necessarily about content but it is about delivery. Women are looking for guys who are patient, how well they are able to convey a topic that might not interest her and are observing how much they care to invest their time into doing this – because to women this translates how a man will be as a husband and a father in the long run if this date will go anywhere).  You can practice having better conversational skills.

When two daters are just getting to know each other, their conversation doesn’t always flow smoothly. However, if you often feel awkward or uncomfortable when talking to your date, there are ways to help yourself develop better conversational skills. Many people have found that working with a coach helped them become more confident about themselves and more comfortable with dating. Others have asked a trusted friend or relative to help them practice being on a date, from start to finish. After two or three run-throughs, they found they were less anxious and better able to carry on a conversation with a dating partner. (In the women's world it translates into power and confidence. Just like men can smell desperation from far away, women can too. Women admires a lion not a mice; confidence translates into he does not ‘need’ me once we are together or will allow me my freedom in our relationship; just like men don’t want to loose their freedom when they are in a relationship women don’t find a guy who is too smothering either. There is a fine balance).

Even if you don’t talk much, be a good listener. You can generate topics of conversation by focusing on something your date mentions and asking questions that will encourage her to describe her feelings. She'd like to get her masters in journalism? "Why did you decide to apply to journalism school? How does it feel to see something you've written in print?" Try adding your own insight. "I always thought journalists should be objective. Lately, though, it seems that much of what I read in the newspaper is one-sided. Why do you think this is so?"

Conclusion

If you’re a man who doesn't have his act together, or seems awkward and unsure of himself, these suggestions won't turn you into Don Juan. But they will help you appear more organized, confident and considerate of the woman you’re with. And that should be enough to achieve your primary goal: to interest her into saying “Yes!” to a second date.

Attraction: Does it grow overtime or were you a recipient of love at first sight notion?

Did your relationship happen because someone walked by and your heart just sunk in your stomach and you were completely caught off guard, or were you attracted to your partner because some of the characteristics on your check off list took precedence over others? Do you even have a mental list of things that you are looking for in your partner or are you the person that has had enough past experiences and knows what you DON'T want for sure? Someone once said to me, "if you don't know where you are headed, how do you know if you are there?"

What does attraction mean for you? What attracts you to someone? Does physical attraction override the mental one or, there is no compromise between the two for you? Did you find yourself mentally attracted to your partner first as if the connection (chemistry, communication, conversations) between the two of you was so orgasmic that most of the criteria on your check off list were met that you were willing to compromise the physical attraction or vice versa? Or does the concept of Fairytale exist and you are not willing to 'settle' and you continue to wait for that 'someone' to come by (which I often hear as a phrase "I don't chase after people, I am so content and happy with myself and my freedom right now that I am not willing to allow someone to come into my life right now and disrupt that harmony"; which often translates into I am cautious of commitments but don't really consider myself commitment phobic! Ya I said it.....

For my single readers out there are you single because no one comes closer to your idealistic list of characteristics that you seek in someone and you aren't willing to compromise or are you single because 'relationship' takes a back seat because your priorities right now are focused on other life goals and you don't want someone to take away your freedom and independence? Or are you single because you are simply just not ready, based on the traumas of your past experiences aka you are afraid of commitments?

I read the article below and found that once one overcomes the hurdles of singledom and is ready for commitment (there is a whole body of research on loneliness that goes overlooked, the point being; beware of denial issues when you deny the concept) the relationship goes through different stages.

5 Stages of Committed Relationships

By Sarah Schultz

http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stages-of-Committed-Relationships&id=528343

Most people understand that relationships grow and change over time... but what many people don't know is that they tend to evolve in the same way. There are specific, defined stages of long-term relationships, which offer new feelings, new challenges to overcome, and new opportunities for growth. And if you want your relationship to evolve into one of mutual respect, love and intimacy, it's likely that you'll have to experience all of the following relationship stages at some point or another. Take a look at the description of each phase - do any of this sound familiar?

Before we get started, you should know that most people experience these stages in this order, and will need to resolve the challenges in each stage before they can move successfully on to the next. Of course there are always exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you can't get out of experiencing all of these stages if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Every couple will move through these stages at different speeds, and most people will experience each stage more than once - it is common to fluctuate from one stage to another.

Okay, now that I've given you the basic info, let's dig a little deeper....

Stage 1 - The Romance Stage

This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.

Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage

This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.

Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage

This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....

Stage 4 - The Stability Stage

This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.

Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage

This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership!!!!

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Stay Tuned

I decided to switch it up a little and have been having quite a bit of conversations with both my guys and girlfriends and since we know 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' fellas stay tuned for tips on 'what you can do on your first date to get her to say definitive YES for a second date'!!!

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Stay tuned for....

Attraction: What does it mean to you? Does it grow or do you believe in love at first sight? Did you see him/her and know that they were the 'one' or did you let love happen over time because you compromised on some of the characteristics on your check off list....

Connection - Why does it happen and how do you continue to keeping it spicy?

The word is whichever you prefer to call it, Connection/Chemistry/Comfort. Why is it that sometimes we connect with some people and can relate to them as if we have known them forever even though we are meeting them for the very first time? Why is it that with some people we are able to let our guards down with ease, while with others we tend to be pleasing and politically correct so to speak. Why is it that with some people we only feel the friendship vibe, where as with some we feel the "let's just do it" vibe and with some we completely loose our minds and all of our senses, as in 'both of the former'? Why is it that with some people we can "appreciate" their beauty but might not necessarily desire any kind of relationship with them? Whereas with some people we feel so 'connected with' that love happens or grows over time. Do you believe in destiny, Soulmate, and/or coincidences? Do you believe that there is someone out there in this world for everyone and there has to be thousands of situations or circumstances that rearranges itself for two people to come together? Did you meet your partner when you were "ready", or are you a serial monogamous and cannot be single; or are you someone who is an "interpersonal perfectionist" who has a list of all the characteristics that you desire in a partner but are yet single, unless all the items on that list are checked off? Under what circumstances did you meet your partner? How did you know that your connection with them was so intense that you knew that they were one. Do you believe in love at first sight; Or did your love for them grow overtime. Did you look at your partner the first time and know he/she were the one and were left speechless or did your connection develop with your partner due to your attraction with other characteristics that they brought to the table.  Did you think your partner was "the one" or were you settling because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. For my readers who believe in the institution of marraige, does the concept of 'connection/chemistry/comfort' even take any precedence over your choices of being with that person possibly for eternity or did the 'time' factor take precedence? Through my expericiences, dialogues and research over time I find that relationships that tend to be intimate, healthy and exciting revisit the concept of connection periodically. By that I mean intimate relationships just like other things in life tend to get stagnant or boring over time, especially after children, and for them to stay exciting and Ooo La La'ish' its important that your connection with each other is revisited. 
Relationships are about 'two' people and in our lifetime we as people tend to CHANGE! If the ideas that you started out with, are the same ideas, values and fundamentals you operate your relationship with today, the chances are your relationship is stagnant; and there is nothing too exciting like the kind of excitement that you felt when you first connected when you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I have been fortunate to be surrounded by couples whose relationships are very sound, 'connected' and intense as if they fell in love yesterday even after being together for more than 10 years. A friend of mine who is currently in one of those relationships' once corrected me by saying, that kind of experience happens when you are 'growing' in love and not falling in love! It's about the mentality you carry towards your relationship, do you wish for it to be healthy and successful and are working towards it everyday; or are you letting life take over?
So then you may wonder what does 'revisiting' connection/chemistry mean? I believe it involves number of factors such as nurturing each other, being creative and surprising each other, sex - how often do you have it and what efforts do you make to switch it up, simplest acts of kindness towards each other, not forgetting to still impressing each other like you did when you first laid eyes on your partner and let love happen! How often do you do date nights and how spicy or steamy is your relationship?

Stay tuned for....

For all of the Single people mingling out there for love and the ones that have had an experience or two, what is it that led to those butterflies in your stomach, initially? Going off the first ingredient my hunch is the BIG "___" word, guys get your mind out of the gutter I mean...

The 5 Stages of Marriage

Read the article below and had to share! I was having a conversation with a friend the other day around the 'meaning' of the word marriage and what it means at different ages or developmental phases. I guess for some the word is overrated and for some it is paramount to their growth as a human being almost equivalent to their existence (I personally find that its both age, and cultural values driven). Since some of my friends are recently getting married and I find that marriage is considered such an integral part of our social development just wanted to learn your thoughts on what it means for YOU! Do you relate to the article below if you are married or have been married? What part of the article do you find intriguing and why? What has worked well for you and if you disagree what do you suggest is essential to the Ohh la la experience. Why is it that some couples after being married for gazillion (anything after 12 years these days) act as if they are still in stage 1, where as some relationships get complaisant? Did the meaning and idea of the word "marriage" change for the better or worse for you, as you are going through that process and transition? Do you continue to 'evaluate & asses' your relationship as you go through the process and make necessary changes to keep it spiced up or is that something you were "expected to do at your age" and thus find it a chore? Feel free to stay anonymous and comment!

Marriage partially means growing up!!!

Learn the phases every relationship takes—and how to get through them

By Denise Schipani Posted July 16, 2010 from WomansDay.com

All marital unions are not created equal—but that said, they all go through some predictable stages. The timing may differ, and the way a couple manages the phase they’re in varies widely, but most of
the stages happen, to most of us. Understanding the stages, says Rita DeMaria, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The 7 Stages of Marriage, gives you the tools you need to move through with your loving union intact. Here’s what you need to know:

 

Stage 1: Honeymoon Heaven
Usually the first year or two (or three, depending on the arrival of children as well as whether you lived together beforehand) is a passion-fueled period that’s all about the two of you and your intense focus on the attraction that made you want to walk down the aisle to begin with.
Your Challenge: As much as this stage is full of lovely things like lust, affection and late-night romps, you’d be wise to also use this time to cement your sense of coupledom outside the bedroom. Who are you, as a couple? For example, do you want to focus on your careers exclusively for a few years, or would you prefer to spend time traveling or taking classes? Will one or both of you want to get an advanced degree? Also spend time figuring out how you envision the rest of your marriage—such as whether and when to have children, or whether you see yourselves living in a city or the suburbs.

Stage 2: Settling In, Settling Down
This encompasses what Dr. DeMaria calls the realization stage, during which you learn things you might not have known (or happily ignored) about your spouse’s strengths, weaknesses and personal habits. Also in this post-honeymoon, pre-children stage, power struggles can arise as the two of you work toward both separate and shared goals. “This is the time to learn teamwork,” says Dr. DeMaria.
Your Challenge: As the shine fades a bit and reality sets in, you need to safely navigate what can be the first divorce danger zone of a young marriage, says Beverly Hyman, PhD, coauthor of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “After a couple of years, too many couples find that their values and goals aren’t always on the same page.” For example, if one of you wants children, or expects to spend every Sunday with his or her parents, and the other disagrees, you need to reach a compromise. Though you should have done this before you wed, if you haven’t, it’s not too late to discuss hot-button subjects like children, money, how often you’ll see your families, religion, etc. If you find you can’t see eye-to-eye, it may be time to seek counseling, says Dr. Hyman.

Stage 3: Family Central
Welcome to the “meat” of marriage—the years most couples spend raising their families, buying a home, building and/or changing careers and all-around trying to hold a busy, crazy modern life together. “This can be another danger time,” says Dr. Hyman. “You may have a couple of kids, a mortgage to pay, possibly two demanding jobs—this puts enormous strain on the resources of a marriage.” Too many couples start to wonder: Is this all there is to life? And some of them answer that question by starting an affair or asking for a divorce.
Your Challenge: Not losing sight of your couple-ness in the swirl of all the other demands on your time and energy. “Pay close attention to your marriage,” advises Dr. Hyman. Don’t assume your relationship will be OK if one or both of you is on autopilot. “One thing that’s essential to building an enduring marriage is open, honest and tender communication,” she adds. Give yourselves a chance to communicate by—if you have to—scheduling together time, planning a regular date night or agreeing to turn off the TV after the kids go to bed so you can discuss important issues (or have sex!).

Stage 4: Back to the Two of You
Some call this stage the “empty nest,” but that implies that your home is devoid of love (i.e. empty) after your children grow up and leave. Hopefully, it’s not that way (though it can be). In the best scenario, this stage is about reunion, says Dr. DeMaria. “You are getting to know each other all over again, unpacking old baggage and having fun.”
Your Challenge: Assuming you’ve weathered the earlier storms of marriage, this time can be exhilarating. “You have the luxury of time,” says Dr. Hyman, “so you can have new adventures, learn things together and take pride in your accomplishments, such as your history together and your children’s successes.” But many couples find it a struggle to be together again with nothing else to concentrate on. Spend some time figuring out things you can do together (such as a vacation or new activity, like tennis or a couples’ book club) and apart (such as a sport or an adult-education class). If the issue is that you’ve ignored resentments toward your partner while you were busy with work and kids, you’ll need to be honest about these thorny problems, says Dr. Hyman. “You can rescue a marriage that’s been ignored for a long time, but it will take work,” so seek couples’ therapy.

Stage 5: You Did It!
You’ve enjoyed the lust, lived the love and come through the chaos of family life—without splitting up in the face of troubles. You’ve reached what Dr. DeMaria calls “completion,” a stage that retired, empty-nest couples who still enjoy being together can bask in for the rest of their lives.
Your Challenge: Continue to show each other affection and attention. Remember, says Dr. Hyman, if you’ve remained a loving, harmonious couple, you won’t have an empty nest for long. Children and grandchildren gravitate back to the happy home they remember.

At Any Time: Explosion
This is less of a discrete stage than the others, says Dr. DeMaria, because it can happen at any time in a marriage. It’s when major life stressors interrupt the forward motion of your life together—such as fertility issues, a death in the family, a major illness or the loss of a job that leads to serious economic upheaval.
Your Challenge: Seek support, both separately and together, depending on the situation. Never feel you have to power through problems on your own, or your marriage may suffer. Seek advice and guidance from friends, family members, religious counselors or professional therapists. “Pay attention to your own physical and emotional health and well-being,” says Dr. DeMaria. Knowing when it’s time to divorce can be tricky, especially if you feel that the two of you have come to an impasse in terms of what you want from the marriage. Dr. Hyman suggests that you take great care, asking yourselves serious questions, such as: Have you been more unhappy than happy in your marriage? Is that unhappiness affecting your physical and mental health? What are your fears about possibly separating? Have you exhausted every remedy to save your marriage? Only you two can answer these hard questions.

As a practicing mental health therapist and a recipient of good therapy myself, I do want to take this opportunity to raise your awareness that psychologist and therapists "DO NOT" I repeat "DO NOT" TELL YOU WHAT TO DO in terms of resolving your crisis! Its often misconstrued by people that if I am having marital issues or problems and if I seek HELP they will tell me or advise me to stay with him or get DIVORCED!!!! Not the case, they are there to "help/guide/assist you through the process" of making a conclusion for yourself that's best for you. They help raise your self awareness to make a decision for YOURSELF when you are stuck in a mental fog without any clarity or hopes of brighter future ahead when you feel that you have lost all the glimmer of being able to see the future ahead of you.  

I cannot speak for all the therapists and psychologist out there but at least the ones that are trained properly don't. And therapeutic relationship just like any is between two people, if your therapist is not working for you the chances are you are going to walk away disgusted with the whole experience. In that case call me, I might be able to help you find one! It's important to shop around and get a feel for your psychologist or therapist before you dive into deep waters. They are open to that as well as encourage it, it is a part of their training. That was your free 101 course for dealing with immediate relationship crisis.