Women get into relationship hoping to change the men they are with, where as men hope that the woman they are with don’t change while she is in it! What have your experiences been?

             How do men feel about that? In my research of course direct conversations, and analysis from plethora of books and media, I hear a common phrase “Men are Simple beings, and women tend to complicate things". As much as I hate to admit it, and as Chris Rock puts it and a guy friend of mine seconds it, it's as if Men have a secret code among themselves: (I apologize for the vulgarity of my language) “Fuck me, Feed me and shut the fuck up”. In other words it translates into great SEX; a secret to a man’s heart is indeed his STOMACH no matter what color or culture he comes from, and SIMPLICITY which equals minimalistic drama. Now of course it is not as simple as it sounds and this phrase can have a very subjective undertone to it but for the most part I do believe that all the successful experiences that I have been in and observed, tend to be successful if there is great physical chemistry between two people. Its bizarre to me how one can expect to be in an eternal endeavor with someone they don’t feel attraction towards whether it has developed over time or whether that was the reason that brought them together!

            I also believe that men usually like to feel as the provider and even though I am all for feminism (I find that this term is often misconstrued so I would like to clarify that it does not equate to pro womens’ rights and women who are man haters; in my world it means empowering women simultaneously while residing in a society that is mostly dominated by men). I think that the relationships that do tend to be sound are the ones in which a MAN is LET to feel like a MAN (which translates to a financial provider, a nurturer, a domineering one, even though there is a catch 22 to it that I will address later ). You may completely disagree with me but as much as I loathe to admit that, we live in a patriarchal society and even though I am all for strong, independent women, I find that for relationships that tend to be healthy have learned to harmonize and balance each others power. As studies suggest that relationships in which the there is balance of power, sacrifices made by each partner, decision making and equal performance of household chores are twice as likely to last longer than the relationships that are not equal (Gilbert and Walker 2001).

            I gather that the quandary exists because Men often love to have a strong, independent, intelligent woman, but yet when it comes to power and display of who is in control of the relationship men often like to feel as if they are in the drivers seat, and most of the time I find that those women have a hard time letting go of that 'public' control. So the relationship struggles unless that harmony of power and control is established and understood between the two. This reminds me of a quote a dear friend of mine once said, “women are the neck that makes the (head) move”. So ladies I find that Men do want to listen and they have an easier time letting go BUT its about when and how they are presented with your idea, because eventually we do tend to get out way don't we?!?

            The point being is that men do look forward to change and grow but just do not like to know or accept that they are being changed as none of us enjoy ‘being changed’ and letting go of some of the characteristics that make us who we are. So I gather that for you ladies subtle ways to bring about that change is through the above mentioned S3 method (Stomach, Sex, and Silence – timing) really works and it only works when he is into you! I say refrain from trying this when you are in the cusp of feeling the water. Lets face it no one looks forward to CHANGE, its scary because we are not breed to deal with ambiguity, unknown scares us so be empathetic and put yourself in his shoes and know that if you want him to change drastically he is probably not the one you are looking for. I often hear women fall for (choice of words used carefully here) and seeking the ‘bad boyz’ and they can’t wait to CHANGE them, let me tell you ladies save yourself a heart ache and ERASE that concept off your soul because I have NEVER seen that to work unless the guy is ready for that. Or I say go through that heart ache BUT learn and don't keep trying to CHANGE them. Most of the time he is not going to!! As mentioned above men are simple beings that don’t want you to change and that’s why they fell for you in the first place so continue to grow together and for your relationship to be successful shift the focus from changing him to changing yourself to make you a better version of yourself because he brings that out in you for who he is…

Questions and Thought provokers

For people who are looking to get into relationships that LAST or are already in a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS or are in MARRIAGES that might need some spice that can turn the possibly blah relationship into an Ohh La la experience.... here are some questions that you might want to ask yourself:

American Magazine in 1933 reprinted an article by Emmet Crozier. The following is a questionnaire reprinted from that article. You may find it worth while to answer these questions, giving yourself ten points for each question you can answer in the affirmative.

For Boyfriends/Husband/Partners

1. Do you still "court" your girlfriend/wife/partner with an occasional gift of flowers,
with remembrances of her birthday and wedding anniversary, or with
some unexpected attention, some unlooked-for tenderness?

2. Are you careful never to criticize her before others?

3. Do you give her money to spend entirely as she chooses, above
the household expenses?

4. Do you make an effort to understand her varying feminine moods
and help her through periods of fatigue, nerves, and irritability?

5. Do you share at least half of your recreation hours with her?

6. Do you tactfully refrain from comparing her cooking or
housekeeping with that of your mother or of Bill Jones' wife, except
to her advantage?

7. Do you take a definite interest in her intellectual life, her clubs and
societies, the books she reads, her views on civic problems?

8. Can you let her dance with and receive friendly attentions from
other men without making jealous remarks?

9. Do you keep alert for opportunities to praise her and express your
admiration for her?

10. Do you thank her for the little jobs she does for you, such as
sewing on a button, darning your socks, and sending your clothes to
the cleaners?

For Girlfriends/Wives/Partners

1. Do you give your boyfriend/husband/partner complete freedom in his business/work affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of a secretary, or the hours he keeps?

2. Do you try your best to make your home interesting and attractive?

3. Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows what to expect when he sits down to the table?

4. Do you have an intelligent grasp of his business/work so you can discuss it with him helpfully?

5. Can you meet financial reverses bravely, cheerfully, without criticizing him for his mistakes or comparing him unfavorably with more successful men?

6. Do you make a special effort to get along amiably with his mother or other relatives?

7. Do you dress with an eye for his likes and dislikes in color and style?

8. Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?

9. Do you make an effort to learn games to his likes, so you can share his leisure hours?

10. Do you keep track of the day's news, the new books, and new ideas, so you can hold your husband's intellectual interest?

What makes Intimate Relationships Successful?

This blog was inspired from a reflection on the infamous phrase, “Am I in New York and single or am I single because I am in new york?” I figured I would write a book on relationships, but then again I am into research and figured in this Google driven highly techy world I would collect some first hand data by developing a reader base and putting in my hours before preaching about “what are the necessary ingredients to making a healthy relationship!”. Because as Malcolm Gladwell in his book ‘Outlier’ said in order to be an expert at anything one must put in 10,000 hours at it. And since I consider myself no expert in relationships, but personally having been through enough WHAT NOT TO DO’s, and being surrounded by friends who have been through plethora of them (good, bad AND the ugly ones) and learning from their experiences; I am taking the liberty to share my opinions and words of wisdom!!

I look forward to sharing this journey with my readers so feel free to share your HONEST experiences so together we can strive to assemble a community of readers and possibly a generation of minds who can share the same values of wanting or striving for a relationship that “brings out the best version of themselves that they never knew existed”……especially in a era where according to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%.

Relationships tends to be an integral part of our human make up, as men usually say, “women we can’t live with them and we can’t live without them“. So why is it that the divorce rates are so high? What do you look for and what have you learned?

Living in New York, I hear people in their 30′s living in Manhattan wanting the same things when it comes to finding “The One” (Guys want a girl they can take home to their folks and girls want guys that sweep them off their feet). An insight into what works and what doesn’t…so stay tuned and express yourself!! B

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