Love....such an important ingrediant for a relationship to be successful! What does it mean to you, and what efforts do you make each day with your actions to express it to your partner? Does the meaning of the word "LOVE" stay the same as your relationship matures or does it CHANGE as your realtionship ages like a fine wine?
In my personal experience and observation of people I find that the concept of love whether healthy (loyal, unconditional care and support, without expectations, and trusting) or dysfunctional (emeshed, needy, codependent, selfish) develops very early on in our lives. Children that grow up with healthy parenting or in environments feeling very secured about themselves develop higher self esteem and often tend to be in healthy realtionships themselves. In other words they tend to often bring to the table less insecurities, sparse expressions of jealousy, possessiveness, guilt and other unhealthier emotions. As you read through this blog I encourage you to peek into your relationship and examine your concept of LOVE and how it was formed.
Growing up with different kinds of relationships I especially remember someone wise once said to me, “That love in intimate relationships goes through different phases as you go through LIFE, and that there are different kinds of love”. I never really understood the depth of that statement then but as I found myself in relationships some that were positive and kind, and well some let’s just say were meant to teach a lesson which taught me to appreciate the true meaning of the statement now. By different phases I mean that love when we are 16 is full of lust and mostly hormonal, which is quite different than when we are in our 20's where its more romantic. At that point we tend to care for the person a little beyond just dealing with the conundrum of wanting to have s-e-x for the first time, and wanting to be with them for the rest of our lives at the same time. As we age further through our 30's it becomes more about the passion we find for each other due to the more healthier self concepts that we develop about ourselves through our life experiences which continues into companionship that we learn to enjoy for the rest of our lives. I believe that for most relationships that forms in our 20's and 30's in order to get through the 3 phases of LOVE romance, passion and companionships requires a lot of tolerance, patience and relentless unconditional support! These days in the western world these virtues are hard to fathom and practice, thus resulting in 50% of marriages ending up in Divorces.
THE PROCESS OF LOVE: I read the articles below and found it interesting because I find that when relationships get boring or blah its pertinent to revisit what got us together in the first place?In a study done by Dr. Helen Fisher her team divides love into three categories involving different brain systems: 1) Lust (the craving for sexual gratification), driven by androgens and estrogens; 2) Attraction (or romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual), driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin; and 3) Attachment (the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner) driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.
Stage 1 of the process of "LOVE": ATTRACTION - a positive response to a person beyond friendship. This can further be broken down into two areas: (a) physical attraction &; (b) emotional attraction.
a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is the most superficial of "loves" on one level, but one of the most powerful on another. It represents the first contact. I believe that while physical attraction is crucial in keeping the relationship spicy, people that fall in 'LOVE' based on mere attraction fall out of love just as quickly once that 'magic' disappears.
b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin to converse. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies, ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground -- then an emotional attraction starts to form.
Sometimes an emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. And in this case, the bond may even be stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived notions based on physical appearance has occurred.
At this point after reading this close your eyes and remember the time when you first saw your partner what got you attracted to them at first, when did you start feeling the butterflies, what did you see, smell, and feel when they first called you, on your first date? Do you allow each other your spaces to miss each other when you first got together or are you attached to the hip at all times?
Stage 2. ROMANCE - essentially an act of trying to influence or gain favor of another by lavishing attention or gifts upon them. There are two type of romance: (a) selfish romance; (b) selfless romance.
(a) Selfish Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts solely for the purpose of gaining something for yourself -- like to get gifts, to impress someone else, or even simply for sexual favors whether your partner is interested or not.
(b) Selfless Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts for the enjoyment and pleasure of your partner. You receive your enjoyment and pleasure through their happiness.
Selfish romance (love) will quickly die out. Selfless romance (love) will endure. Because romance is an "act," many couples who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a conscious effort, it can be rekindled.Do you remember the activities you engaged in together, the companionship you shared, the conversations you had. The little acts of kindness and care you showed towards your partner? When did that stop and why? Why do we start taking each other for granted?
Stage 3. PASSION - a desire for another person, which has grown to an intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The passion stage is very important. It's a plateau.
From here, the relationship will fork into two roads, and the couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.
Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears). Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.
Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad. Learn to ride out the bad times.
If you've made it this far, why give up? Listen to each other, be willing to compromise, and remember why you got together in the first place.
Love is work but worth the effort ...
So now that you know the process of 'LOVE', how can you make your relationship lasting 'forever' how do you make love LAST.... (The below perspective is reprinted with permission from "HEAD TO HEART" by Gila Manolson. Published by: Targum Press, Inc.)Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.LOVE IS A CHOICEIf love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. I also believe that in healthy relationships our partners push and motivate us to our highest potential and bring out the best qualities in us that always laid dormant within us till that connection. I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning. ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGSNow that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? I believe actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERSThe effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.The more you give, the more you love.
Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.For my single readers: Lust vs. Love
Gauge for Men and Women (A guy's perspective - So Women Read up) -
It's lust if:
You're totally focused on her looks and bodyEven before you know her name, you're already fantasizing about what she looks like naked and what it would be like to have sex with her.
You don't care about anything she has to sayIt wouldn't make a difference to you if you never had a conversation with her. Furthermore, you don't bother to return her calls promptly and you can easily go for days without talking to her -- until you get horny again.
You only want to be with her to have sexYou make excuses not to spend time with her, except for sex. And if she asks you for a favor, you tell her you're too busy. But if you have to be with her and not have sex, she gets on your nerves and you find yourself fantasizing about other women.
She's your booty callAfter you go out trolling for tail with your buddies on Friday night, you then call her at 1 a.m. for some drunken action. Ah, the booty call.
You leave after sexAfter having sex with her, you look for the easiest way to leave. No cuddling, no breakfast the next morning, just "I gotta go."It's love if:
You have great chemistryYou get lost in your conversations, and the hours pass like minutes. You're more than willing to listen to her when she talks about her day. The chemistry between you is remarkable.
You find her beautifulEven if you catch her with no makeup on and her hair pulled back while she's unclogging a toilet, she still looks beautiful to you.
You want to spend time with herAll you want to do is to be with her, whether you're having sex or not. Even if she tells you that sex will have to wait, you don't care.
You see a future togetherYou experience the strange feeling that your life would be totally empty without her. You tell your friends and family that she may be The One, and you're even thinking about marrying her.
You introduce her to your familyIt becomes very important to you that your parents like her, and that she gets along with everyone close to you.
You include her in all your plansWhether you're going out with your male friends or taking your dog for a walk, you want her there with you. And if she's not there, you can't get her off your mind and sneak off to give her a quick "I miss you" phone call. Of course, you don't tell your buddies.
You are more romanticAll of a sudden you find yourself listening to cheesy romantic songs and thinking of her. You send her flowers and love notes to work and set up romantic evenings candlelit dinners at home.
You always take her sideIf someone says anything even slightly disparaging about her, you immediately rise to her defense. Furthermore, in social gatherings, you always agree with her even if you disagree behind closed doors.
She makes you want to be a better manShe challenges and motivates you. She makes you happy, and you'd do anything to make her happy.
So selflessly and unconditionally just GROW IN LOVE.....
Growing up with different kinds of relationships I especially remember someone wise once said to me, “That love in intimate relationships goes through different phases as you go through LIFE, and that there are different kinds of love”. I never really understood the depth of that statement then but as I found myself in relationships some that were positive and kind, and well some let’s just say were meant to teach a lesson which taught me to appreciate the true meaning of the statement now. By different phases I mean that love when we are 16 is full of lust and mostly hormonal, which is quite different than when we are in our 20's where its more romantic. At that point we tend to care for the person a little beyond just dealing with the conundrum of wanting to have s-e-x for the first time, and wanting to be with them for the rest of our lives at the same time. As we age further through our 30's it becomes more about the passion we find for each other due to the more healthier self concepts that we develop about ourselves through our life experiences which continues into companionship that we learn to enjoy for the rest of our lives. I believe that for most relationships that forms in our 20's and 30's in order to get through the 3 phases of LOVE romance, passion and companionships requires a lot of tolerance, patience and relentless unconditional support! These days in the western world these virtues are hard to fathom and practice, thus resulting in 50% of marriages ending up in Divorces.
THE PROCESS OF LOVE: I read the articles below and found it interesting because I find that when relationships get boring or blah its pertinent to revisit what got us together in the first place?
a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is the most superficial of "loves" on one level, but one of the most powerful on another. It represents the first contact. I believe that while physical attraction is crucial in keeping the relationship spicy, people that fall in 'LOVE' based on mere attraction fall out of love just as quickly once that 'magic' disappears.
b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin to converse. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies, ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground -- then an emotional attraction starts to form.
Sometimes an emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. And in this case, the bond may even be stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived notions based on physical appearance has occurred.
At this point after reading this close your eyes and remember the time when you first saw your partner what got you attracted to them at first, when did you start feeling the butterflies, what did you see, smell, and feel when they first called you, on your first date? Do you allow each other your spaces to miss each other when you first got together or are you attached to the hip at all times?
Stage 2. ROMANCE - essentially an act of trying to influence or gain favor of another by lavishing attention or gifts upon them. There are two type of romance: (a) selfish romance; (b) selfless romance.
(a) Selfish Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts solely for the purpose of gaining something for yourself -- like to get gifts, to impress someone else, or even simply for sexual favors whether your partner is interested or not.
(b) Selfless Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts for the enjoyment and pleasure of your partner. You receive your enjoyment and pleasure through their happiness.
Selfish romance (love) will quickly die out. Selfless romance (love) will endure. Because romance is an "act," many couples who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a conscious effort, it can be rekindled.Do you remember the activities you engaged in together, the companionship you shared, the conversations you had. The little acts of kindness and care you showed towards your partner? When did that stop and why? Why do we start taking each other for granted?
From here, the relationship will fork into two roads, and the couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.
Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell this person (though we often hesitate because of our own unfounded fears). Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process, which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely to endure throughout the years.
If you've made it this far, why give up? Listen to each other, be willing to compromise, and remember why you got together in the first place.
Love is work but worth the effort ...
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."
What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. I also believe that in healthy relationships our partners push and motivate us to our highest potential and bring out the best qualities in us that always laid dormant within us till that connection.
I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us.
Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.
ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS
Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? I believe actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.
While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.
What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.
True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.
OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.
The more you give, the more you love.
Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.
Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.
A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."
Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.
For my single readers: Lust vs. Love
