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Welcome friends, family, and readers... I have been writing this blog and wanted to thank you for reading. Please share this with all of your friends and comment as you wish. While this is my blog, I enjoy collecting articles that pertains to the topic. My voice is illustrated in red. Thanks! G

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Cheating: What comes first - emotional withdrawal or sex?


Since the focus of this blog is on successful and healthy unions I tend to like to research on or write about issues that I commonly see in long term relationships or marriages that at times are inescapable.  I am particularly interested in writing about them because I believe that every relationship goes through a storm, some wither, some reach a plateau which is most relationships and some overcome these adversities and reaches a next level of intimacy with added efforts. 

 

Why Do People Cheat?

September 16th, 2008 · Health Assist.net

"The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them – sometimes three"
Alexandre Dumas
Most people list being faithful as one of the top essentials in a successful relationship. But the fact is, people cheat. It is estimated that about 44-76% of men and 21-50% of women are cheating their “significant other”.
Probably everyone knows that cheating is wrong. Anytime someone has an affair there’s a danger that it will ruin their marriage or relationship. Even long and happy marriages or relationships. But this doesn’t stop the majority of people.
So why people do this? Why people are willing to conduct themselves in the ways that could be very damaging to them and to their partners?
1 Problems in relationship. Marital or relationship unhappiness
One of the first reasons people stray is that they are not satisfied with the state of their current relationship and are no longer happy at home. This may be caused by:
  • being in miserable relationships that you can’t get out of
  • financial problems
  • lack of commitment to the marriage
  • dramatic change in priorities
  • gap in social network
Unhappiness is the root cause of almost all divorces and split ups, let alone affairs. Without joy in a relationship, she or he would look for alternatives to keep themselves happy and they would not stop till they find another one that can make them feel happy, even if it means sleeping with them.
2 Lack of intimacy & Poor communication
This is the primary motivating factor for cheating women.
If the relationship is lacking important things such as emotional intimacy and communication she or he could seek it elsewhere.
3 Sexual dissatisfaction
Several surveys have shown that men and women often complain of the difference in their sex drive and in the sex drive of their partner. If one partner withholds sex, or shows little interest, the other partner may fill that need outside of the relationship.
For most men, sex is the primary motivating factor for cheating on their significant other. Some will cheat if they are not getting enough sex in their relationship. Other men may cheat because they don’t want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin their “good girl” image, so they get a mistress to take care of it.
4 Craving for novelty, variety or something different
This is mostly about men.
Cheaters don’t do it because there’s something missing. They do it because they want to. It’s new, different and exciting. For such men the variety is the enjoyment, like driving a new luxury car after years of riding an old family van. No matter how wonderful their girlfriend or wife is, they will not stop pursuing new interactions with women and new sexual experiences. Nothing will replace the excitement of novelty for those men, and it would be pointless to try to change such a guy.
5 Looking for adventure
Some people are thrill seekers that just can’t pass up the opportunity to get a thrill. The very fact of doing something that is taboo compels them to engage in the affair.
6 Boredom and dead-level
Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Once the marriage becomes comfortable some people suffer from calm and paced family life. Love-affair hearten, inspire and amuse them.
7 Revenge or payback
Sometimes people cheat because they want revenge on a partner who cheated.
8 Parents’ life style
There is a tendency to recurrence of “family tradition” in behavior of the matured children. If the child saw infidelity of parents, he or she can draw a conclusion, that cheating is quite normal. If both parents were cheating the likelihood their son or daughter will also be unfaithful to spouse comes up to 80%.
9 “Ego boost”: self-affirmation or self-expression
Sometimes people have their own inadequate self ego and there is a need to fulfill that ego with another person outside of the relationship.
Sometimes men don't feel like they are attractive to the opposite sex any more and when a woman shows some interest, not only does a man react, he may allow her to stroke his ego and more.
For some women sex can be an instant pick-me-up; a self-esteem booster that makes them feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved.
10 Long separation and loneliness
There’s the old truth: "What eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t feel". Long separation can become a contributing factor in extramarital affairs. If one half of the couple is alone a great deal of the time he or she may seek comfort elsewhere. There are some spouses that are workaholics and their families may see them less than the office does.
11 Mid-life crisis
People of both sexes may feel the need to be attractive to members of the opposite sex after reaching a certain age. They often desire the attention of a younger person of the opposite sex since it helps to make them feel that they are still attractive and desirable. This desire to appear youthful and sexy can often lead to infidelity.
12 The end of "love story"
Love often seems to have an expiration date. After many years of living together, partners can grow tired of each other.
Most probably, you can name some more reasons why people cheat. But one thing is certain – once that delicate line has been crossed trust is difficult to be regained. 

I believe knowledge is power, if you are aware of these above possibilities you can save your relationship from them by making an effort to creating a healthy meaningful union. Here are few ideas on how to keep it spicy as a couple to avoid any of the above:

Improvised list of ideas by (Dr. Berman)
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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Talking About & Experimenting Sex: "Is it considered a Taboo or a Necessity" for a relationship to be successful?

I read the articles below and was reflecting about the meaning of the term 'SEX' for people (friends, family, acquaintances, strangers) that I have come across overtime through different developmental phases of life. In my conversations with people about their sexuality and their perception of sex I believe that depending on the culture, religion, and parenting one is raised with, aids in forming ones perception of sex. Chances are that if one was raised in a very conservative/traditional environment where no one at home, among their peers or in their religious backgrounds, talked about sex at all or in a healthy light growing up then their idea of sex is limited, closed minded and it (sex) is even considered a taboo. Then there are people who rebel against that and explore and end up forming a healthy view of sexuality even though they might not be too forthcoming about broaching the topic of sex in their conversations or sexual interactions with people. Then there are those who have a very healthy view of sex and sexuality due to the environment that they were raised in, and have had amazing experiences that enjoy discussing the topic without any reservations. Which one are you at this phase of your life, and how important is it for you to discuss Sex in your relationship? When did you broach this topic in your relationship first and how did that CHANGE your relationship status, did it bring you closer (pun intended) or that's something that you are still struggling with?


Since this blog is about experiencing a healthy successful relationship, and communication and sex seems to be the key ingredients to a well balanced and harmonious relationship I found it pertinent to 'talk about it' and share it with my readers. 
(Disclaimer: This post will absolutely not make sense to people reading this post and imagining people who are their 'FB's', 'activity partners (pun intended)', 'sex mates' or 'friends with benefits' aka someone that they are not in a meaningful committed relationship with).


Communication: Talking About Sex
By: Natasha Jervis

You want me to do WHAT? Talking about Sex with Your Partner!

Communication in general is very important for a healthy relationship, but when it comes to talking about sex, some couples become a bit shy or closed minded. It is healthy to talk to your partner about what you like, what feels good and what you want. It can take your sex life to a whole new level of intimacy and make your relationship even stronger. Sex isn’t an easy topic to discuss for quite a large portion of our population, but with further knowledge and experience we can learn to appreciate this form of intimacy with our partner to a whole new level. Here are some things to remember when you are discussing sex or thinking about talking about sex with your partner.

When approaching a discussion about your sex life, it is best to start mentioning what makes you feel good and what does not. Not in a critical manner of course. Always be aware and sensitive of your partner’s feelings and be positive. The more you talk openly and honestly with your partner you will realize that it isn’t as hard as you think to discuss sex. You will become more relaxed and most likely excited by this new level of intimacy and openness. Many couples would like to spice up their sexual lives but do not know how to approach each other and to suggest new things such as other positions, bondage, oral sex, and more. They become fearful that they might be looked at awkwardly or in a different manner, and possibly rejected. A way to get your suggestions out there without bluntly stating it could be to say something looks awesome or fun when seeing a movie, reading a book or magazine.

When it comes to sex with our partner, most of us think that the other one can read our mind. In some cases, couples can connect in that way but a majority of people get frustrated because they feel they are not satisfying their partner. Sometimes we expect too much and that we should know exactly what to do with another person’s body. We are not experts and every single one of us is different and responds to different touches and arousal. None of us can actually read another’s sexual mind. We can read body movements, noises and exclamations of ecstasy and many other sexual responses. Communication is so important when it comes to sex and even while having sex. Communicating isn’t only about being verbal; it is also about showing your excitement and arousal through touch, movement and noise.

Being honest with each other during sex can increase sexual confidence and can make a couple even more open to the discussion of sex and new ideas.There is no point in faking anything in sex and it is best to be demonstrative or tell your partner what felt good when. As lovers, you will practice and learn about each other, and in time you will know what your partner’s body and mind responds to sexually. By trusting one another and communicating freely and openly, couples will get to know each others sexual tastes, likes and dislikes. Communication is the key to a good sex life as well as the key to every other aspect of a healthy relationship.

Seems so simple, but how many actually do it? I believe that it helps if sex is not viewed as a bad thing or as a taboo, and something that is only done for the sake of procreation, or as a chore but something that is beautiful and meaningful that two people share the passion for that will take their relationship to the next level. Just like success with anything is a mindset, so is it with sex. Some can argue that sex can get boring and can plateau after the couple has been together for a while, or especially after they have had children while others continue to explore, be creative, work at keeping it spicy by practicing it to perfection. Is sex just meeting your physical need currently or is it bringing you emotionally & spiritually closer? I ask this to trigger your introspection on avoiding "when sex leaves your marriage/relationship" because every realtionship at one point or the other is bound to get rocky. The question is, is sex triggering any part of it or is bonding you closer through those times? And through that phase of your relationship do you continue to seek answers by communicating each others needs, trying new things by switching it up or by going back to basics that brought you two together in the first place? Have one of you given up on that goal while the other still holds passion for it?

In my conversations with people (I apologise for the gender stereotype) I find that more often most women don't seem to care much about the frequency of sex as men do while they care more about the quality of sex and the emotional intimacy that it brings. So I read the article below and in my conversations with my male friends I most often hear 'I just want to roll over and sleep after sex', where as women want to 'spoon' and 'cuddle' so I found this article as a happy medium to address the quality of sex for men and women while addressing the emotional intimacy for women so you can cotinue to spicing it up!
Author's tips and secrets on switching up your routine:
For  men: women love and appreciate occassional gestures of flowers, chocolates, small inexpensive gifts (its always the thought that counts, men don't do it at all because they think they have to get diamonds, bags and shoes to make it count each time, she picked you she can buy her own or get it on her own if she is with you - just a thought), scheduled dinner dates (you don't have to wait to F up or till you are in the dog house for you to do these things) remember in the beginning you just worked for it because you had your eyes on the prize, same theory applies!
For women: men are very visual beings and it does not take a lot, grooming (Brazilians, Manis & Padis), taking care of yourself and your body (men watch porn and fantasize about 'other' hot women for a reason), he likes to see you be a good mother as well as a wife just like you like to see him support the family and be a good father - just a thought, occasional lingerie and surprise experiments, and sometimes you planning date nights by dressing up in your stilettos when you first started dating!
I am a big believer of if you are aware of the problem/issue and are able to own it, thats half the solution if you are in a BLAH situation, then its just a matter of finding the right solution! It is never OK to get too comfortable with each other that surprises don't happen anymore, thats when the relationships loose excitement. We know that 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' so if you want to continue to keepin' it spicy in your relationship here are a few more ideas...(Feel free to stay anonymous and add a few of yours as comments)

9 Sex Positions That Enhance Emotional Intimacy

These sex positions help couples turn sexual intimacy into emotional intimacy.


By Heather Kindberg
Certain sex positions facilitate higher levels of emotional intimacy. These positions allow a couple to go beyond their sensory experience, intensifying the intimacy of their encounters and imbuing them with emotional meaning. Eye contact, kissing, caresses, trusting, watching. . . these are emotional complements to the physical experience, and these nine sex positions promote that beautiful, emotional connection.
1. Woman On Top. A man lying down with the woman on top can be a vulnerable position for both lovers, which in itself can create emotional intimacy. He must rely on her decisions, while she is bared and exposed for his perusal. This position is ideal for lots of touching and intimate caresses.
2. Hold Me. In this position the man holds the woman as if she's just jumped into his arms. With her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck, this loving position is conducive to slow movements, passionate kisses and romantic swaying.
3. Enhanced Missionary. The missionary position is already intimate, with faces close and full-body contact. To enhance the emotional intimacy, the man can hold the woman's butt or move his legs to the outside of hers to more fully envelop her body. And if a couple is so inclined, this position also offers a good approach for anal sex by retaining face-to-face emotional intimacy. A Case For The Missionary Position
4. Spooning. Although there is no eye contact in spooning, this sex position creates intense emotional connectedness as the man protectively cradles the woman with his entire body. It's also a wonderful position for touching, squeezing, rubbing—and even hand-holding, which can be incredibly intimate during sex.
5. Hands Free. With the man sitting on a chair, and his woman astride him, facing him, with her feet on the floor, the couple not only has face-to-face contact, but also maximum access for tantalizing kisses, whispers. . . and four free hands for touching. Lady Gaga Can Orgasm Without Touch—And So Can You
6. Crossed Legs or Lotus. The lotus sex position offers stunning emotional intimacy. With the man sitting cross-legged, or in the actual yogic lotus position, and his woman on his lap, arms and legs wrapped around him, the lovers are fully entwined and face to face. The need for slower, sensual movements in this position adds romantic intensity.
7. Standing Missionary. Turn the missionary position 90 degrees so both people are standing and you'll find that this full-body-contact sex position has added intensity. Muscles tighten to remain standing and, even with a support behind her, both partners are more physically dependent on each other.
8. Slow Going. In this sex position, the man is seated, legs extended, leaning back on his arms. His woman sits on top facing him, then leans back herself and extends her legs behind him. By necessity, this position requires slow, gentle movements. There is an electric emotional intimacy in not being able to move much, only being able to watch each other. Is Sex Without Orgasms Better?




9. Higher Love. The woman lies on her back at the edge of a bed or another surface, and puts her legs on the standing man's shoulders. Both lovers share control; the man with the movements, and the woman using her legs to push him back a bit and slow him down, or to let him lean all the way into her.

Which positions create emotional intimacy for you?


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