How Important Is Sex In A Successful Relationship/Marriage?

I use the word relationship and marriage interchangeably here because I don't think everyone believes in the institution of marriage. I also believe that every successful relationship is based on a sound friendship/companionship between two people first, before it takes on the added pressure and responsibilities that come with the term 'Marriage'!

I have had an opportunity to have several conversations with number of people from all walks of life over the years on the their introspect about their sexual experiences, and I must say they generally make for a fascinating conversation. Some of the interesting ones have been "men think about sex or related activity every 10 seconds", "women think of sex as a chore", "we don't talk about sex as women", some women identify themselves as "prudes" while others as "angel by the day and freak under the sheets at night" (every guys fantasy) and many more!

Part of my profession calls for teaching Sexuality and related issues to individuals that I work with so to me talking about sex is as normal or exciting as talking about a pair of hot stilettos. But I still am in the process of wrapping my head around why people find the word 'sex' to be so charged. People do it, it can be a sensational experience if done right for the purposes of procreation or exercise however you choose to define its purpose so why not continue to keeping it spicy and engage in a dialogue. Which led to writing this post and since one of the purposes of this blog is 'keepin' it spicy' for a lifetime I had to research on the topic to see what people thought about the importance of sex in making a relationship successful, lasting and endearing irrespective of what stage of relationship they were in.

Here is our most important research finding concerning sex.
Psychology Today: Published on December 25, 2009
Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz
For starters, we all know that good sex can be fun, romantic, exciting, and addicting, something that makes most consenting adults feel warm and fuzzy all over.  Over the years we have interviewed thousands of successfully married couples, and most report a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life.  But here is our most important research finding concerning this issue – no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life! I believe that sex is not a key ingredient to make a relationship successful or healthy but it definitely is a secret ingredient to set your relationship recipe aside!
And more importantly, when we ask successfully married couples how important sex is to the success of their marriage – to rank on a scale of 1-10 with 10 high – the average rank was only 6!   This finding has held true over the nearly 27 years of our research.  The results are hardly a resounding endorsement for the importance of sex in a successful marriage.
You see, marriage is a multi-faceted and highly complex relationship, and in the best marriages no one aspect stands out as the make or break part of it.  The truth is, and as we report in our new book Building a Love that Lasts:  The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley), there are seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages.  And guess what, sex is not one of them!  Sex is only part of one of the seven characteristics of a successful marriage.

As you know from our many published writings, we believe that the overemphasis on sex in books about love and marriage cause people to believe that if they don’t have stupendous sex everyday there is something wrong with their marriage.  Trust us on this – marriages that fail do so for a variety of reasons and not for a single reason.  Simply put, no marriage was ever saved or made successful because the couple had a great sex life or lack there of!

While I think the above article is an interesting perspective I do believe that it is very much a needed experience to keepin the relationship spicy and alive. Because I often find that if not revisited often especially after couples have children then it leads to complacency which can be quite boring. Since the focus of this blog is to living relationships that are successful, healthy and alive there is no room for stagnancy. I believe for any venture to be successful, hard work, dedication and focus are necessary so since sex is not just a physical act its also an emotional, spiritual experience the same rules apply to keepin' it spicy for a lifetime! Simply put pay attention to your partners needs..

Below is another perspective on why sex is so important for a relationship to be successful. I read this article and gather from it that it is not the key factor that drives a relationship but it is a gauge to examining the 'status' of your relationship. If sex has left your relationship either there is a huge emotional gap developing or your relationship is headed for a disaster. So I would take this as a guide to "WHAT NOT TO DO" or "WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY" if you relate to the topic, to not become a statistic. 

When Sex Leave the Marriage

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Is your relationship still filled with sparks? (Lauren Fleischman for The New York Times)
Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.
Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.
I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation

. Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?

 I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising

. Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

 Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.

But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

 Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

 Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. I cannot emphasize enough how important this can be how communication or lack there of can lead to living an unhealthy unfulfilling relationship.

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

 Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

 In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.
Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

 What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

 I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.

My hope from this post is that if you are cognizant of your relationship and care to put enough work to spicin' it up then hope these views have slightly increased your awareness so you can continue heading in the right direction or changes your views so you can continue heading in the direction thats best for your relationship. So hope you continue to keepin' it spicy and enjoy!

Stay tuned in for

How Important Is Sex In A Successful Relationship/Marriage?

A Perspective on Avoiding Dating Blues & Remaining Optimistic for the Right Partner - DO NOT SETTLE!!!

Food for thought:
I was having a conversation with some friends over the weekend and their experiences of dating which inspired this post. I also came across this article a few weeks ago so felt relevant to write about this. What does dating mean to you? Does 'dating' automatically come with an expectation of sex at some point?  Does dating involve all the games, chase and the adventure of getting to know someone. What do you think of the dating process? Do you date to have fun, or with an agenda to be in a relationship? When do you know that you are dating someone after you initially meet and connect with them? I find that people who are not used to dating find it difficult to having an initial conversation about where they are at in the 'process of getting to know one another'.

Do the phrases "seeing someone" "hanging out with someone" "dating someone" mean the same thing? Are you the kind of person that avoids labels so avoids using the word "dating"? And if you are dating someone how did the journey begin for you and where is it leading to?

 

A brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process.

by Rob Ernst

 

  The process of dating is similar to an economic theory called the law of diminishing return. The first date is often fun and exciting and filled with a tremendous sense of anticipation and hope. However, as this process begins to repeat itself ad nauseam, the feelings become less intense, less hopeful and sometimes even depressing. The following is a brief guide on finding the right relationship, keeping a proper perspective on dating and remaining optimistic throughout a sometimes grueling process.

FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP

Setting Priorities
Living in a physical and material world as we do, it is easy to get caught up in the things that we think are important today only to be disappointed with the realization they are not essential tomorrow. It is critically important for all prospective and current daters to compile a list of the ten most important things they are searching for in a partner. After deliberating over this list for at least one week, most will come to the realization that clothes, hair style, height, age, etc. are not in the top five or even top ten most critical factors one is seeking.

While looks are certainly important, they pale in comparison to the true essence of an individual. It would be unrealistic, as well as unwise, to expect anyone to completely overlook the external physical makeup of a potential mate. However, it cannot be overstated how crucial it is for one to be honest with him/herself about his/er physical characteristics and what s/he believes are realistic expectations of a potential mate.

One's character traits, including sweetness, kindness, gentleness, caring and overall ability to communicate in a dignified and sophisticated fashion, should be the primary issue of focus. We have all seen people marrying for looks or money where after the 'honeymoon' period has ended there is limitless strife and heartache and eventually a separation. Although a gorgeous smile can certainly light up a room and a big diamond glitters, a beautiful soul outshines them, especially when one realizes that he needs to live with it every day.

Looks are important and beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, but attraction is important to keeping it spicy for a lifetime! But sometimes its the overall package inside out. 

Utilizing All Available Avenues
Imagine there were three different avenues that lead to the road one wants to go down. We will call these avenues A, B and C. Avenue A is a straight path that is easy to get down and generally the shortest of the three. Avenue B is winding and generally the second shortest of the three. Avenue C is full of bumps and is always the longest route one can take to get to the road.

If Avenues A and B were closed, would one prefer to choose Avenue C to get where he needed to be, or just forget about it and stay home? Depending on how important it was for him to get to his destination, he would most likely take Avenue C and be glad that he even had that option.

There are numerous ways to meet one's significant other. Perhaps they will meet in school, or just out and about. This would certainly be the smoothest and easiest way to meet.

There might be a suggestion from a friend or a friend of friend to meet someone who they know. Although this is not as straight and direct, it is still a pleasant way to make somebody's acquaintance.

Then we get to the least desirable route -- which in today's day and age is the internet. Online dating and social networking avenues has become the modern day version of meeting ones potential mate. There are many pitfalls that exist for online daters including unscrupulous individuals who misrepresent themselves or their motives. However, if one is willing to do his due diligence and seriously take this process like a job, then going down this avenue can get one down the road he truly desires.

Bottom line for anyone who is disgruntled with the traditional methods of meeting is to look at every opportunity that exists and not to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the means. God gives us everything we need but He expects that we do our part in the process as opposed to sitting back and waiting for things to fall in our lap. If one wants to win the lottery, he has to buy the ticket. So don't be afraid to invest time, money and energy in order to potentially find your potential mate.

KEEPING A PROPER PERSPECTIVE ON DATING

Working on Yourself First
When searching for one's [soul mate], one must first be completely comfortable with him/herself. He should be fully aware of his strengths and weaknesses and acknowledge all of the areas of improvement he needs to work on. This is generally a very hard process since we are quick to excuse our shortcomings and focus on our good qualities. But in order to be ready to start a new life with someone else, one need to be honest with oneself and start making the changes he believes are necessary for self improvement and growth. My common observation without the risk of generalization is that between the development phase of 24-32 years of age, not many people are into the word self improvement. People especially men move on from one realtionship to the other rather quickly, and often times than not it is considered “her” fault for the relationship not working out. It is often easier to hide from the truth than face it!

Changing one's personality is an almost impossible task, but with the proper motivation  -- in this case preparing oneself to meet his soul mate -- significant transformation can occur. The best way to go about recognizing areas for change and improvement, as well as implementing those changes, is through reading, associating with people who have been through the road less travelled and or seeking professional help.  Additionally, spending a lot of our time around people we honor, respect and look up to will transform our feelings and attitudes.

It is imperative to continue growing and developing each day in order to reach one's full potential.

We may think that we are ready to meet our partner but in reality, God knows whether we are or not. The right person may be here but one may not have reached his true potential and his partner is waiting for him to do so. With this in mind, it is imperative to continue growing and developing each day in order to reach one's full potential. Furthermore, if one waits until after meeting his significant other to begin this process, he may find that they are not as compatible as he did before the development took place. There is a reason why 50% of marriages end up in Divorce these days, and people who were madly in love when they put the ring on each others fingers on that happy day end up in courts that often times does not look pretty like it once did. If YOU don't know where you are headed how do you know you are there! Do you enjoy your own company, or are you desperately waiting for a partner to fill that void?

Never Get Depressed
It is quite easy to feel depressed after dating numerous prospects over a substantial period of time. These feelings become even more exaggerated when all of one's friends are getting engaged and married.

The most important thing one can do at the point of hopelessness is to fight the feelings of depression, remain optimistic and or turn to God or power outside of oneself if you don’t believe God exists, for help. He wants you to turn to Him and ask for help and guidance in the search. We all know that in marriage there are three partners, not two; man, woman and God. This partnership also exists in the process of dating, even before the introduction takes place. The key is attitude of gratitude, being thankful for what one has and what is to come.

There is probably nothing more unattractive to a person than seeing someone else depressed. So it is vital (and yes, this is really hard) to remain -- no matter what -- positive and optimistic, and not allow depression to get in the way. Trust me people can sense desperation a mile away, and desperation is not sexy. People are attracted to another for their confidence, amicability and enthusiasm towards things.

It Takes Only One
One way to remain optimistic is to remind yourself that it only takes one to make everything right. We're not looking for ten great ones, only one. Although one may be scared to do this for fear of disappointment, it is essential to keep faith and trust that God wants to give us all the help we need to reach our full potential. Any time one starts to get down, he can remember the countless stories of people meeting their mate when they least expected it and in the most unlikely of places. Being hopeful, makes the wait far more exciting.

Take Advantage of This Time
There are many opportunities available for personal growth and satisfaction for singles. Instead of looking at this time period as an unfortunate situation, one should grab it by the horns and run with it. Now is the time when one can go to any class he wants, travel, or do many other things that would not necessarily be possible if he were married.

There is a famous woman lecturer who was single for a long time. While she was single she spent countless hours learning and refining her speaking abilities so that eventually when she did get married and had a family, she was still able to teach and inspire thousands of individuals with knowledge and speaking style. Be thankful  for this time, and use it as efficiently and intelligently as possible. I believe in being appreciative for the things that I do have and living life to the fullest as supposed to wasting my time and energy on focusing on things that I don’t have. If you are not happy with yourself, and who you are how do you expect to incorporate someone else in your life and expect to bring out the best in them!

May these few thoughts strengthen the resolve of all of those searching for their partner in life and marriage.