I often hear from people that being in a relationship is actually quite different than writing about one. I agree. Theoretically knowing the mechanics doesn’t always translate into having an easy breezy, sound, healthy, happy experience. I believe that success, like everything in life, comes with hard work, dedication, and focus on the end goal. In most of our life endeavors we do not expect to be successful upon the first try. This means that success in any context comes from learning and growing from our trials and errors, and relationships are no exception.
Do you ever feel that your relationship has reached a blah state due to conflicts and there is nothing to look forward to anymore other than a mundane everyday routine? Why is it that most marriages or long term relationships reach this level of stagnancy and people get complaisant? How do you kick it up a notch? Well, I think there are a number of factors that cause everyday relationships to get to this point. I believe one of the biggest factors is the mentality or attitude that one has towards life. Are you the kind of person that expects more out of yourself or are you happy with where you are in life? For example are you the person who just wishes for things in life to happen and has a bucket list (some things that you always wanted to do) and waits for a lightning bolt to hit one day to motivate you into action? Or are you the type of person who goes out and makes life happen? Well I apologize for being the bearer of harsh news that the lightning bulb shall never…shall I repeat… never hit! But there is good news now that you know there is still some hope. If you really want something badly you can make it happen! I know...I wish I had an easier option for you but life isn’t easy. So of course it takes some work but there is hope! If you find yourself stuck in a relationship where you have dug yourself deep or your partner is emotionally unavailable to you, I believe there is still hope if both of you are willing to work on your relationship to turn it back into a spicy experience.
Upon reflecting on the last entry….I was thinking of how words can be so powerful in making love happen, but more so than words, actions can speak louder. Do you continue to occasionally say kind, appreciative words to your partner like you used to when you first met? Your action does not necessarily have to involve materialistic things or activities but something as simple as an act of kindness and care. Is their life impacted or influenced because of your presence in it? Do you inspire and motivate them to be a better version of themselves? Or do you condemn and nag them to be the version of themselves you want them to be? Do you expect the same out of yourself that you expect out of them?
The article below caught my attention because the writer talks about some of the skills I have seen to be effective with most couples whose relationships I absolutely adore and admire. As we all know, conflicts are a part of life in any relationship. But in your intimate relationship, do you leave your partner and your relationship in a better place after your conflict or do you see your relationship go 10 step backwards due to your conflict resolution skills or lack there of? Read and comment away!
Conflict Resolution Skills for Healthy Relationships
The Key To Less Relationship Stress? Effective Conflict Resolution Skills!
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., Updated September 22, 2011
With most conflicts, it’s important to find a resolution. This seems like a statement of the obvious, but many people suppress their anger or just ‘go along to get along.' They think that by addressing a conflict, they are creating one, and simply keep quiet when upset. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy. For one thing, unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and additional unresolved conflict in the relationship. Even more important, ongoing conflict can actually have a negative impact on your health and longevity.
Unfortunately, resolving conflict can be tricky as well. Handled improperly, attempts at conflict resolution can actually make the conflict worse. For example, researcher John Gottman and his colleagues studied the way couples fight, and can actually predict which couples will go on to divorce by observing their conflict resolution skills -- or lack thereof. (Hint: If you’re constantly criticizing your partner’s character or shutting down during arguments rather than working through conflict in a proactive, respectful way, watch out.)
For those who weren’t born into a family where perfect conflict resolution skills were modeled on a daily basis (and—let’s face it—how many of us were?), here are some guidelines to make conflict resolution more simple and less stressful.
Get In Touch With Your Feelings
An important component of conflict resolution involves only you -- knowing how you feel and why you feel that way. I apologize if I sound a bit abrasive in saying this but I have found in my experiences that most people are not emotionally intelligent enough to be aware of how they feel and why they feel the way do. My experience suggests that statement to be especially true for males. (Self actualization is a process and not everyone attains it nor does it come easily). Not to challenge your egos guys, as I am not contending that guys do not feel things, but my observations suggest that men are often aware of their feelings but just do not know what to do with them or are against expressing their ‘feelings’ to preserve their masculinity . So they tend to keep their emotions inside rather than verbally express them. The easiest approach is to watch sports, and hope that their partner will forget, just as they are trying to. Unfortunately under most circumstances these issues resurface since they were left unresolved. Let’s face it that most relationships these days are headed towards divorce or experience lack of spiciness. It may seem your feelings should already be obvious to you, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we feel angry or resentful, but don’t know why. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they ‘should,’ but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even reasonable. Journaling can be an effective way to get in touch with our own feelings, thoughts and expectations so we are better able to communicate them to the other person.
Hone Your Listening Skills
When it comes to effective conflict resolution, how effectively we listen is at least as important as how effectively we express ourselves. I believe that a big part of effective communication is not just being able to express oneself. Listening to your partner and in return knowing that they understood what you were trying to communicate, and not just having a skewed perception, are essential. It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than just our own, if we are to come to a resolution. In fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can sometimes go a long way toward the resolution of a conflict. Good listening also helps for you to be able to bridge the gap between the two of you, understand where the disconnect lies, etc. Unfortunately, active listening is a skill that not everybody knows, and it’s common for people to think they’re listening, while in their heads they’re actually formulating their next response, thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is, or doing things other than trying to understand the other person’s perspective. It’s also common to be so defensive and entrenched in your own perspective that you literally can’t hear the other person’s point of view.
Practice Assertive Communication
Communicating your feelings and needs clearly is also an important aspect of conflict resolution. As you probably know, saying the wrong thing can be like throwing fuel on a fire, and make a conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to say what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other person on the defensive. One effective conflict resolution strategy is to put things in terms of how you feel rather than what you think the other person is doing wrong, using ‘I feel’ statements.
One of the tools I learned in graduate school and which I often use with people because I find it effective is the: “When you (action that didn’t sit well with you) I feel (state the emotion that arises for you)….because (your reasons why you felt that emotion)”. Now I know this takes a lot of work and some practice (remember the old habit rule: it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). We are generally are used to the good ‘ol method of condemning our partners or blaming them for our emotions instead of taking responsibility for our actions that lead to the conflict in the first place. I strongly believe that a conflict is caused between two people and by two people, so no one person is to be blamed for everything. Usually during conflicts one lights the fire while the other fuels it by forgetting the effective communication methods because the conflict becomes about ego.
A conflict between a couple may go like this... Scenario: A husband comes home late from work and has forgotten or (hasn’t had time) to inform his wife of his tardiness and she goes off at him when he enters the door because he is late to her nicely prepared extravagant meal for the two. Now normally the reaction to this scenario would go something like this: she would be pissed by the time he comes home without trying to find out the reasons for his tardiness. So she would ask something like “why are you late, I told you I was going to cook didn’t you think of letting me know,” now this only adds fuel to the fire and you can only imagine it going down hill from there. Realistically we have all been here at some point in our lives when we are angered. With YOU STATEMENTS the other person is definitively put on the defensive in order to protect themselves of the blame and condemnation. As a result they lose the ability to hear the other person out and care about their perspective. But if the same scenario is dealt with by the wife saying: Husband when you (don’t inform me or are late for something that meant a lot to me) I feel (hurt and disappointed) because (I feel that things that matter to me are not a priority to you. Even if you were busy I would have liked a call or a text so I wasn’t waiting and worried). How do you think the spouse is going to react to that as opposed to the YOU…blaming statements towards them? Now I know this takes A LOT OF WORK AND TRAINING AND PRACTICE rather than to follow the good ‘ol tactic and just blame the other person because we are hurt, but imagine the difference it makes in resolving your conflict with your significant other.
Seek a Solution
Once you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, it’s time to find a resolution to the conflict -- a solution you both can live with. Sometimes a simple and obvious answer comes up once both parties understand the other person’s perspective. In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can work wonders (when in a conflict people don’t tend to like apologizing but remember your reasons for being in a realtionship with your partner – some people are in relationships for the wrong reasons which causes conflicts to be unresolved or leads to an unhealthy quality of relationship. I believe it takes a lot of strength and courage to apologize for their actions and to not repeat them again), and an open discussion can bring people closer together. Other times, there is a little more work required. In cases where there’s a conflict about an issue and both people don’t agree, you have a few options: Sometimes you can agree to disagree, other times you can find a compromise or middle ground, and in other cases the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way, with the understanding that they will concede the next time. The important thing is to come to a place of understanding, and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.
Are you fighting to win or are you fighting to solve a problem so its chances of coming up again between the two of you are decreased? Or is it about your ego and you are fighting to win? Do you remember the common goal of your relationship on the day you decided to commit to each other? Are you fighting/arguing/discussing to have a healthy stable quality of relationship or are you in a conflict just to be in one to prove a point or be seen as “right”?
Do you ever feel that your relationship has reached a blah state due to conflicts and there is nothing to look forward to anymore other than a mundane everyday routine? Why is it that most marriages or long term relationships reach this level of stagnancy and people get complaisant? How do you kick it up a notch? Well, I think there are a number of factors that cause everyday relationships to get to this point. I believe one of the biggest factors is the mentality or attitude that one has towards life. Are you the kind of person that expects more out of yourself or are you happy with where you are in life? For example are you the person who just wishes for things in life to happen and has a bucket list (some things that you always wanted to do) and waits for a lightning bolt to hit one day to motivate you into action? Or are you the type of person who goes out and makes life happen? Well I apologize for being the bearer of harsh news that the lightning bulb shall never…shall I repeat… never hit! But there is good news now that you know there is still some hope. If you really want something badly you can make it happen! I know...I wish I had an easier option for you but life isn’t easy. So of course it takes some work but there is hope! If you find yourself stuck in a relationship where you have dug yourself deep or your partner is emotionally unavailable to you, I believe there is still hope if both of you are willing to work on your relationship to turn it back into a spicy experience.
Upon reflecting on the last entry….I was thinking of how words can be so powerful in making love happen, but more so than words, actions can speak louder. Do you continue to occasionally say kind, appreciative words to your partner like you used to when you first met? Your action does not necessarily have to involve materialistic things or activities but something as simple as an act of kindness and care. Is their life impacted or influenced because of your presence in it? Do you inspire and motivate them to be a better version of themselves? Or do you condemn and nag them to be the version of themselves you want them to be? Do you expect the same out of yourself that you expect out of them?
The article below caught my attention because the writer talks about some of the skills I have seen to be effective with most couples whose relationships I absolutely adore and admire. As we all know, conflicts are a part of life in any relationship. But in your intimate relationship, do you leave your partner and your relationship in a better place after your conflict or do you see your relationship go 10 step backwards due to your conflict resolution skills or lack there of? Read and comment away!
Conflict Resolution Skills for Healthy Relationships
The Key To Less Relationship Stress? Effective Conflict Resolution Skills!
By Elizabeth Scott, M.S., Updated September 22, 2011
With most conflicts, it’s important to find a resolution. This seems like a statement of the obvious, but many people suppress their anger or just ‘go along to get along.' They think that by addressing a conflict, they are creating one, and simply keep quiet when upset. Unfortunately, this isn’t a healthy long-term strategy. For one thing, unresolved conflict can lead to resentment and additional unresolved conflict in the relationship. Even more important, ongoing conflict can actually have a negative impact on your health and longevity.
Unfortunately, resolving conflict can be tricky as well. Handled improperly, attempts at conflict resolution can actually make the conflict worse. For example, researcher John Gottman and his colleagues studied the way couples fight, and can actually predict which couples will go on to divorce by observing their conflict resolution skills -- or lack thereof. (Hint: If you’re constantly criticizing your partner’s character or shutting down during arguments rather than working through conflict in a proactive, respectful way, watch out.)
For those who weren’t born into a family where perfect conflict resolution skills were modeled on a daily basis (and—let’s face it—how many of us were?), here are some guidelines to make conflict resolution more simple and less stressful.
Get In Touch With Your Feelings
An important component of conflict resolution involves only you -- knowing how you feel and why you feel that way. I apologize if I sound a bit abrasive in saying this but I have found in my experiences that most people are not emotionally intelligent enough to be aware of how they feel and why they feel the way do. My experience suggests that statement to be especially true for males. (Self actualization is a process and not everyone attains it nor does it come easily). Not to challenge your egos guys, as I am not contending that guys do not feel things, but my observations suggest that men are often aware of their feelings but just do not know what to do with them or are against expressing their ‘feelings’ to preserve their masculinity . So they tend to keep their emotions inside rather than verbally express them. The easiest approach is to watch sports, and hope that their partner will forget, just as they are trying to. Unfortunately under most circumstances these issues resurface since they were left unresolved. Let’s face it that most relationships these days are headed towards divorce or experience lack of spiciness. It may seem your feelings should already be obvious to you, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we feel angry or resentful, but don’t know why. Other times, we feel that the other person isn’t doing what they ‘should,’ but we aren’t aware of exactly what we want from them, or if it’s even reasonable. Journaling can be an effective way to get in touch with our own feelings, thoughts and expectations so we are better able to communicate them to the other person.
Hone Your Listening Skills
When it comes to effective conflict resolution, how effectively we listen is at least as important as how effectively we express ourselves. I believe that a big part of effective communication is not just being able to express oneself. Listening to your partner and in return knowing that they understood what you were trying to communicate, and not just having a skewed perception, are essential. It’s vital to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than just our own, if we are to come to a resolution. In fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can sometimes go a long way toward the resolution of a conflict. Good listening also helps for you to be able to bridge the gap between the two of you, understand where the disconnect lies, etc. Unfortunately, active listening is a skill that not everybody knows, and it’s common for people to think they’re listening, while in their heads they’re actually formulating their next response, thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is, or doing things other than trying to understand the other person’s perspective. It’s also common to be so defensive and entrenched in your own perspective that you literally can’t hear the other person’s point of view.
Practice Assertive Communication
Communicating your feelings and needs clearly is also an important aspect of conflict resolution. As you probably know, saying the wrong thing can be like throwing fuel on a fire, and make a conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to say what’s on your mind in a way that is clear and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other person on the defensive. One effective conflict resolution strategy is to put things in terms of how you feel rather than what you think the other person is doing wrong, using ‘I feel’ statements.
One of the tools I learned in graduate school and which I often use with people because I find it effective is the: “When you (action that didn’t sit well with you) I feel (state the emotion that arises for you)….because (your reasons why you felt that emotion)”. Now I know this takes a lot of work and some practice (remember the old habit rule: it takes 21 days to make or break a habit). We are generally are used to the good ‘ol method of condemning our partners or blaming them for our emotions instead of taking responsibility for our actions that lead to the conflict in the first place. I strongly believe that a conflict is caused between two people and by two people, so no one person is to be blamed for everything. Usually during conflicts one lights the fire while the other fuels it by forgetting the effective communication methods because the conflict becomes about ego.
A conflict between a couple may go like this... Scenario: A husband comes home late from work and has forgotten or (hasn’t had time) to inform his wife of his tardiness and she goes off at him when he enters the door because he is late to her nicely prepared extravagant meal for the two. Now normally the reaction to this scenario would go something like this: she would be pissed by the time he comes home without trying to find out the reasons for his tardiness. So she would ask something like “why are you late, I told you I was going to cook didn’t you think of letting me know,” now this only adds fuel to the fire and you can only imagine it going down hill from there. Realistically we have all been here at some point in our lives when we are angered. With YOU STATEMENTS the other person is definitively put on the defensive in order to protect themselves of the blame and condemnation. As a result they lose the ability to hear the other person out and care about their perspective. But if the same scenario is dealt with by the wife saying: Husband when you (don’t inform me or are late for something that meant a lot to me) I feel (hurt and disappointed) because (I feel that things that matter to me are not a priority to you. Even if you were busy I would have liked a call or a text so I wasn’t waiting and worried). How do you think the spouse is going to react to that as opposed to the YOU…blaming statements towards them? Now I know this takes A LOT OF WORK AND TRAINING AND PRACTICE rather than to follow the good ‘ol tactic and just blame the other person because we are hurt, but imagine the difference it makes in resolving your conflict with your significant other.
Seek a Solution
Once you understand the other person’s perspective, and they understand yours, it’s time to find a resolution to the conflict -- a solution you both can live with. Sometimes a simple and obvious answer comes up once both parties understand the other person’s perspective. In cases where the conflict was based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight to the other’s point of view, a simple apology can work wonders (when in a conflict people don’t tend to like apologizing but remember your reasons for being in a realtionship with your partner – some people are in relationships for the wrong reasons which causes conflicts to be unresolved or leads to an unhealthy quality of relationship. I believe it takes a lot of strength and courage to apologize for their actions and to not repeat them again), and an open discussion can bring people closer together. Other times, there is a little more work required. In cases where there’s a conflict about an issue and both people don’t agree, you have a few options: Sometimes you can agree to disagree, other times you can find a compromise or middle ground, and in other cases the person who feels more strongly about an issue may get their way, with the understanding that they will concede the next time. The important thing is to come to a place of understanding, and try to work things out in a way that’s respectful to all involved.
Are you fighting to win or are you fighting to solve a problem so its chances of coming up again between the two of you are decreased? Or is it about your ego and you are fighting to win? Do you remember the common goal of your relationship on the day you decided to commit to each other? Are you fighting/arguing/discussing to have a healthy stable quality of relationship or are you in a conflict just to be in one to prove a point or be seen as “right”?
